I Never Asked To Be This

Hey everyone! I'm so glad I finally managed to finish this up. I have been working on this off and on for the past two months but I wanted to make sure it was perfect. (At least to my eyes) I have been practicing anatomy and this was a good chance to prove to myself that it is possible for my to draw human-like forms. This is a scene depicted from a story I'm in the process of writing! Here is the exert:

Critique is welcomed! C:

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WARNING, VIOLENCE AND SOME FOUL LANGUAGE!!!!! (It's also really long!) 



I needed to get out of the house. My brain had become clouded up just sitting around and I found it too troubling to try and be around my pack at the moment. For now, I figured being in human form would be easiest for me. Lately, being in my wolf-form was like trying to control a body that belonged to someone else and it was not fun. Believe me. I had already hurt Danny and Reyna while going through training exercises and I didn’t want to lose control again. There were times where I would black out and I had no control over what I did. It was too dangerous and the risk was too much.

Grabbing a jacket from the coat hanger, I darted out the door and proceed up the hill, wandering into the forest as far as my legs would take me. The air was brisk and the sun was already setting, not that it made a difference anymore. The dark no longer existed in my world. Well... Sort of. Of course it still got dark out at night, but I was able to see now! It was as if every night was light up by three moons instead of one. It really was interesting; my human memories of being afraid of the dark faded with time. Fall was already on the way, with the first snow due at any time now so I would make this a quick walk.

A thick fog weaved along the tree-covered hills, making it difficult to see but I knew I could always depend on my other scenes to guide my way. The yellow leaves of the aspens trembled and quivered under the slightest breeze and I drew in a long breath, my eyes following their movements. There was something so pleasant about being out in the forest alone, but I couldn’t shake the heaviness in my heart. Danny had rejected me, and it couldn't have been at a worse time. He rejected my affection when I thought that out of anyone, maybe be wanted to be with me. I had lost everything after becoming a werewolf, including my family, my friends, my home. Everything. So when Danny had taken me in and showed me affection when everyone else was afraid of me... I thought perhaps we could be something more. All his actions pointed to wanting a relationship with me, but I judged wrong. Even a stubborn gal like me had to admit that it hurt. I had never felt more alone than I did now. Yet, after losing Danny too, I now was having to face the reality of losing who I am.

I guess I couldn't say that I was completely alone. I still had a few friends left who believed in me. There was Ivan. He spent the whole morning with me, trying to cheer me up and help me forget about what happened with Danny. Ivan was always there for me. But even I wasn’t fool enough to fall for him. After all, he only had eyes for Sadie. She was the reason why he became a werewolf in the first place. So there was no hope, I wasn’t going to pursue a guy who was in love with someone else. 

A large bolder came into view, I recognized it as the four mile mark away from the house. It hadn’t taken me long to get to this point but I felt a little tired. The dark gray bolder was within reach as my hand grazed over the rough surface. Dry moss pealed off beneath my palm and I sighed, letting me head drop. There wasn't much hope left for me to grasp on to. I couldn't be like the others, I couldn't control my instincts. At this point, all I really wanted was to go to the river and find a quiet place to reflect. Maybe I didn’t need anyone… Maybe it was better that I didn’t have anyone or anything. How could I even dream to be with someone when I had no control over my own emotions. The pack knew that my control over myself was slipping; it was so obvious. Despite their best efforts to save me, they too were losing faith. All except Danny, but even he had to know that I was losing myself to the wolf side. It was only a matter of time before I became feral, and it wouldn’t be long till he would have to make the decision to kill me. He knew better than I that feral werewolves had to be exterminated. Ferals were reckless creatures; vicious animals with no consciousness or remorse. Just an instinct to kill and destroy anyone in their path. I never wanted to be that. A cursed monster.

 I soon reached the top of the hill and as I stood up a little straighter, perching lightly over the top of the cliff face. My eyes peered downward as the cliffs dropped steeply into a rocky ravine. Perhaps it would be best if I took my death into my own hands. So no one would have to kill me, and I wouldn't make anyone suffer ever again. But I had a feeling that not even a drop from this height could kill me. There was a slight rustling behind me, I took a step back from the ledge as a familiar scent caught my attention. My head turned in the direction quickly. 

“Sadie?” I asked, my voice soft as I tried to keep me suspicion hidden. I could see her yellow eyes faintly, tucked behind the branch of a pine, but some else caught my attention. The gleam of white fangs. A chill ran down my spine but I stood my ground. “Come on, Sadie. I know you're there. What are you doing here?” I asked calmly, turning my body to face her.

Sadie emerged from the brush, transforming into a werewolf before my eyes. Her clothes ripping off her body, releasing her dark brown fur ruffling in the breeze. My eyes narrowed as she stalked slowly towards me, the intent apparent in her expression. Even with the face of a wolf, I could tell it wasn’t good.

“I know what you really are.” Sadie said lowly, her tone thick with threat. “You might have fooled all those other idiots, but I see you for the feral monster you already are.”

I winced, taking a step backward. “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not feral! I’m not even a wolf right now. I couldn't even talk to you if I was a feral!.”

“You’re just a ticking time-bomb. It will only be a matter of time before you tear this pack apart. Don’t think I didn’t see your little stunt you tried to pull with Danny, and then Ivan! I know exactly what you're doing! Getting them close to you so can draw them apart and slaughter them!” She said, a growl rumbling from her chest when she finished speaking. I matched her growl but I remained human. I had to be careful. So, so careful.

“You’re insane! Are you even listening to yourself? You're telling me that I'm trying to murder everyone.” I stated, my voice growing heavier with warning.

She chuckled under her breath. “You’ve already hurt the members of our pack. Like I said before, it’s only a matter of time before you turn on all of us. I’m not going to let that happen. I'm going to end it now before you can hurt anyone else.”

The pace of my heartbeat quickened. She couldn’t actually be threatening me right now, could she? I was still a human; if I remained a human she couldn’t attack me. Even she knew that. It was the code that all respectable werewolves followed.

“Damn it Sadie, I’m a human! You have some damn nerve accusing me of tearing the pack apart when you know damn well how Ivan feels about you. He loves you! Loves you so much that he gave up his humanity so that you would be with him, and you still turn him down. Time and time again, you always reject him.” I said trying to buy some time. Perhaps keeping her talking was the best for right now. Conflict was something I wanted to avoid completely. I was hoping that someone would come for us. Anyone! They had to be looking for me by now. The pack never let me wander alone for too long.

“That’s none of your business! The way Ivan feels about me has nothing to do with this.” She stated coldly. “It's not like you have emotions anymore. You can't even care about the pack so quit pretending like you do. You are no better than a rabid mutt clinging to life, so don’t bother calling yourself a human anymore! “

“How would you know what it's like!” I shouted out through my teeth. “I’m not here to kill anyone, I’m here to get better. I want to be better because I do care! I’ve been so alone, so excuse me for trying to reach out to anyone who will give me the time. You have no idea how lucky you are that someone loves you so much. I wanted to know the feeling before I died too. But I guess that was too much to ask.”

Sadie snarled, her lips pulling way past her fangs. “Feral wolves don’t deserve love.”

I scoffed at her. “Yeah? Well you don’t deserve love either. Ivan’s too good for you. Too kind. I hope someday he realizes what a bitch you truly are.” I said, turning my back. My breathing was becoming rushed and I had to control myself before I transformed. My vision was starting to get flushed with a red hue and that was a bad sign in itself. Come on! Come on! Control your anger! I chanted in my head.

There was a rush of air from behind me and before I could comprehend what was happening, a strong force hit my body so hard that it sent me rolling down the hill. A tree abruptly stopped my tumbling as I groaned out, a sharp pain zipping across my shoulder blades. Everything was deathly quiet and even the leaves seemed to hold still with fright. My eyes opened wide, realizing what just happened. The low pitch of a growl sounded out and I turned my head slowly, seeing Sadie slink down the hill in my direction.

“S-Sadie… Please-” I said weakly as I backed myself against the tree, placing my hand over the area pain. There was warmth on my fingers, and it was sticky. I closed my eyes tight and tried to hold my breath. The very thing that turned me into a monster was leaking out into my palm. Blood. Not blood! 

My eyes shot open, Sadie just a few feet away. My mind raced, I didn’t know what to do. I never thought that one of my own pack mates would break the most sacred rule to never attack a human. She was not only betraying me, but everything our pack values. Yet she continued stalking closer, her eyes aiming for my throat. She didn’t believe that I was human. She really did think I was a monster!

Then there it was. My heart beating wildly in my ears. I could hear it frantically pounding in my chest and I slowly looked down to my hands. They were covered thickly with red and my racing mind slowed. Everything slowed down, even Sadie. My surroundings drowned out and even the pain subsided as my vision grew dim. Just one thought remained: Kill her.

The last thing I felt was my body emerging into a werewolf and Sadie locked in my sight. The blackout was happening and I couldn’t stop it. My jaw clenched tightly as I buried my face into palms. The scent of my own blood was so strong, it became overwhelming. 

“Argh! Sadie, run!” I screamed out, my voice distorted. But she remained, her body lowering close to the ground, getting ready for the fight. “Please!” I begged out one last time before every ounce of reasoning went silent in my head. My hands fell away from my face and I bared my fangs, growling lowly. There was nothing left of me to get in the way.

Sadie’s yellow eyes met mine and I charged at her, as we leaped into the air clashing into each other with a fierce impact. Terrible snarls tore out through the forest as I slashed and sank my fangs down into anything I could get a hold of. Trees shook and large rocks tumbled around as we fought. We crashed further down the hill, pine needles and leaves embedded in our fur. In my mind, there was just me and Sadie, and my body wasn’t going to stop until one of us was dead.

Our fight lasted for quite some time, but soon my size and strength was enough to overpower Sadie. Even she recognized this and the smell of fear wafted off her body. She managed to slip away, only for a second until I was upon her, knocking her off her feet. It was over in an instant, my massive jaws stretching over her neck and clamping down tightly. Sadie’s long fur made an inconvenient delay in my quest to reach her jugular. Finally, my fangs felt skin and pressed down at a slower rate, savoring her terror. Choked out screams escaped her mouth and she thrashed around desperately. Her claws made contact with my underbelly a few times but I wasn’t letting go no matter what.

Just a little tighter my grip went around her throat and Sadie’s movements soon ceased completely. The vibrations of her last pulse ran up through my teeth and I could feel the satisfaction flood through my body. Yet, as soon as I let go, something hard impacted into my body from my side, knocking me clear off of Sadie. I couldn’t see who or what it was. It didn’t matter. I was ready to stop another heart from beating. Once again, I found myself tumbling around with another adversary but this one was not as easily overturned as Sadie. My opponent was extremely quick and I couldn’t managed to draw blood. I was growing more frustrated. After what felt like a decade, I managed to slam into the dark figure and it fell on its back. I could barely hear it screaming something as I pounced on top, getting ready for another kill. But I was met with a hard kick across my face and was sent reeling back into a tree. In a daze, my  opponent took the opportunity to pin me against the tree as the rough bark dug into my back.

Struggling to break free, I snapped my jaws viciously but the grip against my neck was firm. Suddenly, a scent hit my nose and I subconsciously I knew that I had to stop. I froze up, leaning against back as my vision slowly came to me. It took a moment but I managed to stop myself from fighting any longer. Another muffled sound entered my ears but it wasn’t clear; it almost sounded like… Ivan.

“Riley!” He cried out desperately. “Riley! Snap out of it!”

I reached up, touching the side my face as I blinked in confusion. My memories of what happened were vague, scrambled, and my head was throbbing. Ivan stood before me, breathing hard as tears welded in the corner of his eyes. Frustration was in his face but I didn’t understand what he was doing here. His ears were bleeding, torn by the earrings that he so diligently took out each time before turning into a werewolf. Yet, there he was with his earrings still in place. He transformed in a hurry. 

“Ivan. Why are… what-“ I began to say, but I couldn’t finish my sentence. I couldn’t even speak words correctly. Ivan’s grip began to ease up and he back away slowly, watching me wide-eyed. Like you would watch a grenade that has had its pin pulled out. It made me feel awful.   

“R-Riley…” He stuttered, his voice breaking. “Why did you do this?” he asked, the pain apparent in his face. I didn’t know what to say, I barely understood what he was asking. A stinging sensations traveled through my arms and I winced. My eyes wandered to my wrists as Ivan bolted away from me, but I didn’t look to see where he went. I was too concerned with the fact that I was covered in tons of blood and open gashes. My dress had been torn to shreds but as I peeled back the cloth, I could see even deeper wounds raking down my abdomen.

“What.. happened?” I gasped out. Dread crept into my body, as I stared intensely at the blood on my trembling hands. There was a commotion a few feet away and my eyes drifted to a scene from my worst nightmares. Ivan hovered over Sadie’s lifeless body, heaving into her chest roughly. I could see the tears streaming down his face now as he cried out in frustration; doing all he could manage to revive her. She too, was covered in blood and more gushed out of her mouth. I stumbled backward, shaking my head trying to deny what I was seeing. I did this; I killed my pack mate.

“Come on, Sadie! Come on!” Ivan cried out, his voice cracking. “Please wake up!”

Ivan kept at it, pushing into her chest, and leaning over to check for any sign of life but I had no hope. I was sick, my stomach turning into tight knots. Pain and exhaustion seized my body as I crumpled forward. A gurgling cough echoed through the trees and a sharp breath was taken in. I almost couldn’t believe my ears as my head raised upward. Sadie was coughing roughly and moving again. Relief took hold of my chest but not much. Ivan was beside himself, holding Sadie tightly to his chest but then allowing her some space to breath. Ivan brought Sadie back from what I could tell, looked like certain death. I tried to crawl forward to see if there was any way I could help but I was met with Ivan’s sharp gaze.

“Get the hell away from her!” He snarled out, his fur bristling. “Just-! Get out of here, Riley! Go before I really lose it!”

My throat tightened and I swallowed hard. “Ivan… I’m so-“

“Get out of here! Now!” He yelled.

There was nothing I could say to make it better. I almost destroyed the very person Ivan loved and I couldn’t even remember doing it. How can you even begin to say you’re sorry for that? I pushed myself to my feet and bolted into the forest. I could hear the others of my pack approaching Ivan and Sadie and I’m glad I fled. I tried not to imagine how their faces looked when they saw Sadie covered in blood. I didn’t want to think about it. I just had to keep running. There was no place in the pack for killers. 

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Welp, that's all for now folks! Hope you enjoyed this.

Story, art, and Characters (c) Sedillio